What is Self-love and Why it is important for Healing
“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” –Andrea Dykstra
Are you often critical and unkind to yourself? Do you tear yourself down and see yourself as useless, or unworthy of love? Do you stay in friendships and relationships that mistreat you, because you believe that is the best you deserve? Do you focus on how you are too fat, too sensitive, too emotional, too angry, too ugly, too stupid, or…?
If any of these sound like you, know you are not alone. I used to be like this as well. Many of us struggle with self-worth and loving ourselves because we have been raised in a society that does not value self-love, and at times, even demonizes it.
What gets in the way of self-love?
We are made to feel if we love ourselves, then we are full of ourselves or narcissists. Many people are very threatened by Women and Men who love and value themselves, in a healthy way. In this kind of society, to love yourself becomes an act of rebellion against the status quo. The road to loving yourself is one of the hardest you will travel, however it is one of the most significant and meaningful journeys you can undertake.
We are bombarded from early on, in the form of toys and TV, with what an “ideal body” is “supposed” to look like. If we look at Barbies, for example, historically these have shown one body type, tall and lean, and white. Her body measurements are not even humanly possible to naturally achieve. Then we have the GI Joe-type characters, with their pumped up muscles and chiseled jawlines. These are unrealistic standards for both men and women, and have serious negative impacts on our developing ideas of Body Image as children. Only in the past 2-5 years have toys, magazines, and TV shows started to change and be more encompassing of all body types and sizes. The Body-Positivity movement has really helped this take place. It is becoming more normal to see plus-sized actors and actresses in shows, and on billboards, as models. We are finally shifting away from impossible and unrealistic body standards. Musical Artists like Lizzo and Alicia Keys, have played significant roles in this movement, speaking out about loving your body as it is, and embracing your natural beauty, inside and out! They can be role models as you navigate the path of loving yourself.
Everywhere we go, we see and hear advertising for the latest skincare, the latest cocktail, the latest weight-loss fad, the latest fashion trends that we simply MUST have. These advertisements seem to express that we won’t be happy or feel good if we don’t do, and have, these things. Many of us are constantly trying to fill the void we feel within us. Marketing and advertising companies know this, and manipulate and play off our emotions to make us believe these items or activities will make us feel whole and complete within. When we use other people or external objects to try to full us up emotionally, we give our power away to these people and objects. We continue to need them to feel enough.
What can you do to love yourself?
The only thing that will ever make us feel whole, is our own love for ourselves and taking care of our needs. When we shift our focus away from these external things to fill us up, and we focus on what WE can do to fill ourselves up with love, then we become freer. We no longer NEED outside things to bring us fulfillment, they just ADD to our overall happiness. This is the goal of self-love. That we are enough for ourselves and everything else just becomes a great bonus to life.
Sounds great in theory, but how do we actually make this change? For starters, it takes daily commitment. We have been thinking a very negative way about ourselves many years. It is going to take time and commitment to think a brand-new way about ourselves, one in which we look for the best in ourselves, instead of the worst. Are you willing to commit to loving yourself? Are you willing to commit to showing up for yourself, giving yourself grace and compassion each day? That is the first step to loving yourself, making a commitment that you will. It also means letting go of judgement when you fall back into old ways of thinking about yourself. It is okay, it is going to happen.
What are techniques that can help you find self-love?
You can start by having a daily gratitude practice. Each morning or night when you are in bed, either after waking up, or before going to sleep, list three to five things you are grateful for about yourself or things you have done. For example, “I am grateful for my passionate heart” or “I am grateful I care so much about doing a good job.” Acknowledge the way in which you are a good friend, parent, employee, child, spouse, or student…. Acknowledge how hard you try.
Accept yourself for all you have been through, all that has shaped your character, and created who you are today. Even though you may have done things ‘wrong’ in the past, you can start over today and make different choices. Don’t beat yourself up for who you used to be or decisions you made in the past. Don’t put yourself down for ‘not knowing better.’ You didn’t know then what you know now, and now that you know better, you can do better for yourself. It can be helpful to do some journaling work around things from the past you want to let go of. Journaling allows us to see limiting beliefs and reflect on how we want to consciously shift them. Explore blocks from the past that get in the way of you loving yourself today. Accept yourself for all you are!
Start to see yourself through the eyes of your best friend, your child, your sibling, or your partner. See yourself the way they see you. As someone they look up to, respect, and admire. As someone they enjoy being around and someone they want to love. If you don’t have a person like this in your life, be your own best Cheerleader! Look for the best in yourself and how you show up for your loved ones. Pay attention to what makes you special and unique. There is only one of you! Honor the beauty in knowing you are the only You!
Practice Mirror work each day while you are brushing your teeth and getting ready. Mirror work involves looking at yourself in the mirror and saying certain things to yourself. Mirror work for self-love means looking at yourself with love, and saying things like “I love how your eyes light up when you are excited,” “I love how loyal you are to your friends,” or “I love the effort I put in to look my best each day.” Make these words your own and find things you love about yourself. Spend time each day acknowledging these aspects.
And my favorite practice for self love is…
Sing love songs to yourself. Especially if you are single and feeling lonely. Serenade yourself the way you wish someone else would serenade you. Sing love songs to yourself in the mirror. Sing love songs to yourself in the car. Sing 80s Ballads. It may sound cheesy, but what have you got to lose? I guarantee you will start to feel better, even if it is from laughing at yourself. You are worthy of being loved. Make loving yourself fun. How we love ourselves teaches other people how to love us. What do you want to teach others? What do you want them to see in how you treat yourself? Do you honor, respect, and value yourself? If not, then it makes it harder for others to have these for us.
I don’t believe the idea that if we do not love ourselves, then no one else can love us. However, I think if we don’t love ourselves, then we are more likely to reject the love of others, because we don’t feel worthy of it. So, others may love us, but we won’t allow ourselves to accept the fullness of their love, and we may even push it away as a result of not feeling worthy. This is when we start to see self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships.
So take the risk in loving yourself! You already know what hating yourself has done and what it feels like. It has left you miserable, empty, and afraid. I know it is scary to change, but there is a whole world out there waiting for you to show up as your Best Self. I know that version exists within you, but they need you to turn inward and love them. Let yourself experience the fullness and sweetness life has to offer. Commit to loving yourself and you will witness your life change.
I hope this blog has been meaningful for you. I wish you the absolute best of luck on the journey to loving yourself. Each day is a new day to practice, no matter how the day before went. You are a beautiful soul and worthy of appreciation and admiration! To learn more about working with me, click here.
Sarah Lustig is a Licensed Therapist in Colorado and a Holistic and Spiritual Coach living in Asheville, North Carolina. She is the owner of a Nurtured Essence, a healing center, aimed at helping people overcome their fears and live with more purpose and lightness. She specializes in working with wounded healers, empaths, and lightworkers.