How to Heal from Heartbreak
“It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise.” —Sara Teasdale
Heartbreak can be debilitating. It is called that because the pain can, quite literally, cause our emotional heart to break, to close, and to no longer work the way it is meant to, but we can heal and come out with more wisdom in time.
What happens in heartbreak?
Heartbreak causes physical pain in our chest. This pain cuts deep and can make it impossible to think clearly. We can feel nauseous, lose our appetite, have trouble focusing, and experience insomnia. We tend to lose our motivation and desire to do the things we once enjoyed. Heartbreak makes us forget what life was like before it destroyed us (or so we feel, in the weeks and months after). Heartbreak does not only apply to losing romantic relationships. Ending a friendship, even for the ‘right’ reasons, or having a pet pass away can also cause heartbreak. Losing a parent and/or a friend to Covid has caused a lot of heartbreak for many this year.
Heart break is often accompanied by a loss of hope and sense of existential dread. It causes us to question ourselves, our decisions, and the meaning or purpose of our lives. Heartbreak shakes us to the core and can make it feel like our foundation is crumbling. We feel unsteady and it can be challenging to find solid ground. It can feel pointless to go on living the lives we had before. And that’s part of the problem. Heartbreak changes us, and sometimes we become hard to recognize to ourselves. It’s usually not as simple as going back to “the way it was before.”
How can you move forward with heartbreak?
When your heart has been broken, it is important to be very patient with yourself. It is necessary to be very kind and compassionate towards yourself. Treat yourself tenderly and remember you are hurting. You need nurturing more than ever when going through heartbreak. When you can tend to yourself and be present with your pain, you are strengthening your resilience and trust in yourself. You know best what you need. You know best how to care for yourself.
When you are unsure what to do, ask yourself gently “what do I need to feel better right now?” and see what comes up. It is likely an answer from your heart will make itself known. It could be a simple request like ‘get some fresh air,’ or something more complicated like ‘express your anger.’ Believe it or not, there are healthy ways to express anger. I’ve written about this in a previous blog if you would like to learn more, click here.
Be with the pain as much as you can. Give it lots of space. Allow yourself to feel what you can, but also take breaks when you need to. Allow yourself to distract when you need to. Try to make positive decisions about how you choose to cope, but also don’t judge yourself. Healing from heartbreak is not a straight line or a linear process. It is messy and jumbled. Meet yourself where you are each day. Some days will be better than others. Some days you will be in a pit of despair, unable to function, while others you will remember that avocados exist, and therefore, life can’t be too bad. Each day in heartbreak is different.
Don’t try to force yourself to heal or cope in one way. Try lots of different methods and techniques. Cry. Watch sad movies. Watch inspirational movies. Eat ‘junk’ food. Eat fruits and vegetables. Take long showers or a hot bath. Get some fresh air. Do some yoga or dramatic sad dancing. Stay in bed all day on a Saturday or Sunday. Go for a hike. Call a loved one. Watch a comedy show. Journal or make some art about how you feel, or how you want to feel. Read books about a topic you are passionate about. Get a massage, a facial, a haircut, or a manicure/pedicure. Spoil yourself with something nice. Buy yourself flowers or a new video game.
What does your body need when dealing with heartbreak?
Try to drink plenty or water and eat regularly. When our blood sugars are low we can feel our emotions more intensely. Eating regularly will help ease some of the wild emotional swings that can happen when we are healing from heartbreak. Try to minimize coping by drinking alcohol. It is a depressant and isn’t going to help you feel better, but moderation is key. It can often make things worse, and make us behave in ways we later regret. When we are in deep pain, we can’t think clearly, and alcohol makes this worse. Talk to your therapist or doctor about this more specifically if you are struggling with alcohol use and need support.
When we experience heartbreak it is in relation to another person or being. For that reason, we must heal heartbreak in relation to other people. We need to reach out to and rely on our support system to get us through heartbreak. We need to know we aren’t alone in our pain. Our friends and peers offer us positive distractions and can help take our minds off our pain. This is necessary, as we need a break from the pain and to not wallow in it too long. Otherwise, we can get stuck in our grief and unable to move on in a healthy way. Be sure to let your friends know what you need. Maybe you need them to call you once a day or send you funny memes to cheer you up throughout the day. Maybe you need a friend to come over and spend time with you or check to make sure you’re getting out of bed each day. Friends can help entice and motivate us to get back to the activities we used to enjoy before the heartbreak, or find new ones to try.
It’s important to remember you are worthy of love, even at your lowest, most chaotic, most messy, and most wounded self. You are always worthy of love no matter what’s going on in your life. The pain may be excruciating and unbearable at times, but hold on, because there is more love for you to have and experience in your world. There will be moments of peace and joy again. As painful as the heartbreak is, try to remember it will lesson in time, and it won’t always feel so poignant.
Our hearts are strong. They were made to experience a great depth of love, which means they are also capable of feeling a deep pit of pain. The depth of our pain is equal to the depth of our love. If we shut off pain, we also shut off love. They are a package deal. We must allow the flow of both in our lives to learn and grow. Our hearts are resilient and can heal and recover, even from unthinkable heartbreak. This is true of your heart too!
You will recover from heartbreak. It will take time. It will give you wisdom, when you are far enough away from the pain to see it more clearly. Be patient with yourself. Move slowly and tenderly. Show up each day with compassion. I hope this week’s blog has been helpful for you. Next week I will talk about How to Love Yourself and why it is important. This will also be a great post for you to read if you are struggling with heartbreak. Until then, I am wishing you peace and freedom from suffering! I am here to help you navigate the hardships of heartbreak, learn more about sessions with me here.
Sarah Lustig is a Licensed Therapist in Colorado and a Holistic and Spiritual Coach living in Asheville, North Carolina. She is the owner of a Nurtured Essence, a healing center, aimed at helping people overcome their fears and live with more purpose and lightness. She specializes in working with wounded healers, empaths, and lightworkers.