Boundaries: The Key to Successful Relationships
Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships. Essentially, boundaries express our personal limits and what we need from ourselves or others to have a positive and meaningful relationship with them. Without boundaries we will have codependent relationships and/or lots of self-betrayal.
Codependency is a long-term neglect of yourself in order to gain love, validation, approval, or support from a person or thing outside of yourself. We learn these patterns early on in childhood as an attempt to keep the peace in the family unit. We learn to operate for the best of the family, as oppose to our personal needs. In families where there is a lack of boundaries, we often see emotional enmeshment. This is when people in the family take on the emotional state of another family member, usually causing more tension in the home. When we are enmeshed with others, we lose our sense of self, and are therefore, more likely to betray ourselves.
What is self-betrayal?
Self-betrayal is the act of doing what others need above taking care of yourself. Self-betrayal is often saying yes to things we don’t want to do because we feel like we have to in order to have peace in the relationship. When we betray ourselves, we are typically doing so because we believe it will alleviate the drama taking place in the relationship. However, each time we betray ourselves in a relationship, we increase the resentment we feel towards others, and we enable that person to continue to mistreat us. This is why boundaries are so important. Both Codependency and Self-betrayal are Trauma Responses, usually do you toxic family dynamics.
Healthy relationships are Interdependent, meaning we are separate from others, and they are separate from us, but we work together, and through our differences, to respect each other, and our own unique needs. Interdependent relationships don’t take on personal responsibility for other people’s emotions or responses to us. Healthy relationships have clear outlined boundaries, and express them when they are not understood or respected by the other person. Healthy relationship respect what we need to thrive. Let’s break down Boundaries a bit more and explore different types…
What are different types of boundaries?
Time Boundaries: These are boundaries related to how you want to use your time or how much time you want to spend with someone or doing some thing. An example of setting a Time boundary could be saying to a friend “I can come over on Tuesday to help for 3 hours, but I can’t come Thursday as well.” This is a very clear boundary for someone letting them know what you can and cannot do.
Content Boundaries: These are boundaries around what we will consume, want to talk about, or read about. This might be letting friends know that you don’t like scary movies and want to watch something funny instead. This might be not discussing politics with certain family members because you’ve decided your peace matters more. This might also be letting a parent or friend know that you won’t discuss what you eat or your diet with them anymore. Certain people aren’t safe to discuss certain topics with. It’s okay to leave vulnerable conversations to people who are safe and trustworthy in your life.
Physical Boundaries: These are boundaries related to your physical body and your safety. These are limits around what you need to feel safe and secure. No one is allowed to touch you without your consent. Setting physical boundaries are important so people know whether or not it is appropriate to touch you, or how you liked to be touched, or not. For example, some people don’t like to be hugged. We never want to assume any sort of touch is okay and it is always a best practice to ask people if it is okay first. Even a seemingly innocent tap on the shoulder could be overwhelming or frightening for someone who has experienced trauma. Many people in relationships often feel pressured to be intimate if their partner initiates sex, even if they don’t feel like doing so in the moment. It is perfectly okay to say to a partner “I love you and I enjoy our sex life, but I’m not in the mood at the moment, and don’t want to have sex tonight.”
Personal Boundaries: These are limits we set with ourselves. Believe it or not it is also important to set boundaries with ourselves in order to know what is our comfort zone and how to honor what we need to give ourselves. When we have no personal boundaries, we have no structure. Setting a personal boundary may look like going to sleep at a decent hour during the workweek in order to get adequate rest. Personal boundaries may be related to sleep, diet, physical activity, and so on. For example, a person who has a tendency to overexercise may need to set some boundaries for themselves so they don’t overdo it. Like only 20 min 3x a week, instead of 1 hour each day. We don’t need to communicate these boundaries to others necessarily, but it might be helpful to have support around our personal boundaries as well.
Relationship Boundaries: You may have guessed it, but these are limits we set in our relationships with others. These are boundaries that communicate what we need from our relationships. This includes our families, friends, romantic relationships, and work/peer relationships. These can be around a lot of different topics, like finances, time together vs time with family or friends, communication, or household chores, intimate life, and so much more. Setting a boundary in a relationship with a partner might be different than setting a boundary with a family member. Different relationships need different boundaries. It’s not one size fits all for most people in our life.
How do you know when to set boundaries?
Take time to learn and be curious about what you need from your different relationships. Some relationships need 40 foot high brick walls with barbed wire at the top, while other relationships need 3 foot tall white picket fences. Boundaries are what keep us healthy in our relationships. Practice setting boundaries with those who are closest to you and safest for you. It’s okay to let them know you are practicing setting boundaries and you want to try with them, can they help you? The right people will be honored and want to help you be your best self! Setting boundaries in a relationship may sound like “We can hang out with your friends on Friday night, but then can you come to brunch with my friends on Sunday?” Or “I need an hour after work to decompress before I can meet you. Can we meet later? Thanks!”
There are many more we could go into like the specifics of setting financial boundaries, sexual boundaries, emotional boundaries… It’s also important to set boundaries around how you will communicate with others, and what you need from them, in case arguments or conflicts occur. I hope this list has given you a starting point to explore your needs and how to communicate your limits to the people in your life.
A few things to keep in mind when setting boundaries are to focus on why the boundary will help you enjoy your time with that person more or how it will help improve the relationship, or communication, with that person. When setting boundaries always try to keep the conversation light and breezy, as if you aren’t discussing anything serious. We often make these conversations out to be more scary or harder than they have to be. You’ll notice in all my examples that I communicate each boundary from a casual and lighthearted place. You don’t have to sit someone down and have a formal conversation about your boundaries, though you may need to if they continue to disrespect the limits you set.
To get support in setting boundaries in your life, click here to learn more about working with me.
Sarah Lustig is a Licensed Therapist in Colorado and a Holistic and Spiritual Coach living in Asheville, North Carolina. She is the owner of a Nurtured Essence, a healing center, aimed at helping people overcome their fears and live with more purpose and lightness. She specializes in working with wounded healers, empaths, and lightworkers.